It Never Felt Safe

It Never Felt Safe, c Jill Mollenhauer

It never felt safe. Even if it looked so from the outside, it never felt safe. Always the threat of what might happen if loomed overhead like a baseball bat ready to strike should things not go as they wanted. Few physical scars were recorded. Only the deepest emotional ones remained, scars that were inflicted with the intent to control, to subjugate and create dependency.

Home, in fairy tales, maybe in other households as well, was supposed to be a place of safe harbor, of support, of sharing ideas, dreams, and aspirations. But not here. She never remembered hearing, “You can do it; I have faith in you.” No only, “you will do this”, “because I said so,” or “Don’t make me show you what I mean.”

To be honest, not all was bad. There were things that affluence brought with it that made life easier, but until now she hadn’t realized the effects of the passive/aggressive playground she was subjected to. And it was true that they had been subjected to just as much, and most likely worse, when they had grown up. But that didn’t change the outcome of her childhood. It still carried huge emotional abuses that had been buried very very deep.

She learned that words carried a profound weight, that others could not to be trusted, that secrets must be buried, and most of all – she was told over and over again that the truth hurts.  Protecting the family image was paramount. It wasn’t until over half way through her life that she saw clearly she was just a pawn, used to make it all look nice, when clearly it wasn’t.

These were the thoughts, values and ideas that she carried with her into adulthood. Never realizing that she was participating in those same behaviors, the ones she despised so much, yet none-the-less carried forth unknowingly, because that is what the unaware do – repeat patterns shown to them. It is said that if we are not aware of the past, we are doomed to repeat it. And so it was.  

Yet, the time had come to let it all go, because she truly wanted to be free. The time had come to face it squarely, see it, feel it, and allow it to fade away naturally. She had tried to jump past it, tried to be more spiritual than it, gone numb – anything so as not to have to feel it. And all that did was make her feel like the walking dead. The sickness was eating her from the inside out.

Brave

Bravery was never a trait she thought she possessed. But to face this, to look the dragon right in the eye and stand still, not backing down, this was going to take courage. Listening to supporting voices, not the old ones in her head, was a total retraining of all she ever knew.

As her willingness to accept her accountability grew, the pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place. Life began to unfurl in the most miraculous and beautiful ways. Love showed itself in places most unexpectedly – unconditional love, like she’d never felt before and she began to awaken from a deep sleep.

Gratitude flooded her entire being and slowly she began to express things kept locked within all these many years – anger, sadness, memories, then desires, dreams, creative expressions and true love.  

There are ‘good’ days and there are ‘rough’ days. There are times of every emotion imaginable, but through it all she continues to remind herself “I’m strong enough to feel this too”.  

One day perhaps she’ll even be able to honestly, truthfully, authentically look her dragon straight in the eye.    

And laugh~