To My Sister

The Birth of Love, private collection

For me, the true healing began in that moment when I stood before my canvas and just let you see me working, laying my heart on its surface. Had that moment not occurred, I never would have known the truth. All my life I‘d felt I had to fiercely protect myself from you, as if you were going to hurt me. A lump formed in my throat. Tears ran down my cheeks and the relief of allowing such a heavy weight to finally be dropped overwhelmed me.

This is a love song to you, my Sister, written with a passion I have never known before.

Growing up we each chose our own tactics to protect ourselves from the perceived dangers of our family. Not surprisingly we chose according to our individual personalities. And in that it appeared that we were very different creatures indeed! It wasn’t until I was willing to face my inner demons and you offered your support that we began to really explore the depths of our past together and the puzzle pieces started to fall into place.

What a beautiful creature you are! Loving, giving, intelligent, stunning, and more. Yes, we have definitely had our moments of disagreement.  But so much of that has been to teach ourselves to communicate, to express, to stop being afraid and to let go. And, you know what? We’ve been awesome! We have laughed, we’ve cried, ranted, raved, bitched, indulged, and oh so much more. But we’ve opened. And we still are.

Those experiences of our past are not our future. You’ve helped me to see this, to let go of feeling I need to protect myself or anyone, and move forward. Oh I still have a long way to go. I know it is a life journey, but knowing that I can share it with you unconditionally makes it a lot more fun!

And now I know too that we’re not so different, you and I. We have many of the same challenges; we just want to express ourselves authentically, to love and be loved unconditionally. We’re like ice cream. We’re the same stuff, just different flavors.

Thank you, Sister Dear, I love you~

The Gift/ The Resolution

There are times when I awaken in the wee small hours of the night consumed with the desire to create – to paint. Willingly I approach the canvas in the dark, applying paint blindly, unaware of my color choices, or just exactly how I am applying them. I go with trust, with deep love for my inner guidance, and with the sense of carefree playfulness that children naturally exhibit (before we fill their heads with regulations and constraints.)  And my willingness to participate in this game of creation is tempered only by the size limits of the substrate in front of me.

Yes, I sometimes do feel scared. I question. I search to feel all that I can so that as my brush dances across the surface kissing the canvas, I am an attentive lover. There are times when I do this technique of ‘blind painting’ to get past a hurdle of uncertainty – past the question What should I do? - and just let go. (At times I have wondered if I do this so that I will have a built-in excuse if it looks horrible in the end.) But I go for it anyway.

In the morning I awaken refreshed and gaze upon my work in the light for the first time. I am always amazed, often delighted. And since I have no preconceived ideas running through my head as to the next step, I listen, this time with my eyes, to what the painting is telling me.

This year – this New Year – 2013, I offer myself the gift, the resolution to allow this kind of playfulness in all areas of my life. The willingness to move forward even if I am not sure what will happen. Just listening closely. These are times when I need to grow and allow myself to exhibit this certainty, this innate knowing. 2013 is the year.

I offer my deepest gratitude right now for all who will join me in this wonderful exploration of our selves – of me. I thank you. I love you. I honor you and all you’re journeying.

Now let’s play~